Mental health and Foggy Days & My first book is published and available on Amazon!

This Is Life

My son is in the hospital for depression. It’s been hard but his father drove me to see him on Saturday and Sunday. His 72 hour hold is over and he will be discharged on Wednesday.  It was one of the most hardest things I have ever done. To bring my son to crisis where he was taken back behind many locked doors by these very big men. Then they moved him by ambulance, totally strapped down from neck to feet more than an hour away.

Other than missing his handheld gaming system, food at home, and some other regular day comforts, he is doing quite well. I just pray that this is helping him as his life is just beginning and I need him to thrive while he survives.

On another note, our neighbors had a party last night and they turned their sound system all the way up. God says to forgive your neighbors but I found it hard because I already had a migraine and they do not care what time it is or how loud they are or to be courteous to thy neighbors. I called the police the last time they did this and they threw eggs on our cars. But on that occurrence their sound system was maxed out and on both times, the chairs we sat in vibrated from their pounding, swearing music.

My mom’s multiple sclerosis has not improved rather it is weakening her further. She couldn’t get pills down her throat without gagging so she’s wearing a cervical collar and it helps like magic! I am a caregiver to both my mom and grandma who;s leg was amputated in April of this year. I am a mom of two boys I love dearly and guardian of four cats that do not always get along and I am constantly cleaning up their messes as one overeats and up it comes while another overeats and makes a mess in both ways which can get pretty stinky, poor maine coon kitty. So furry. While our cat that overeats got bitten by another one of its siblings, I took him to the vet a week ago and he’s 21 pounds. He is doing much better now.

My happiest note is that I took my book I wrote for 2014 NaNoWriMo.org and I ordered the proof paperback and published it on Amazon!  I want it available as free so I’m going to have to figure it out as it would not let me do that. The lowest I could go was $0.99 and I am all about free books!

I will gladly send a copy to anyone who would be willing to write a review for me. This book was written in thirty days and edited in fifteen days by myself. It is just the beginning as I have one more complete novel that is my jewel that I am editing right now.

We have super foggy nights and mornings and I hope  that people drive safely! It didn’t rain but the cars drive by making that swooshing sound from the wet pavement.

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http://www.amazon.com/Love-Awakens-Colleen-Johnson-ebook/dp/B00QPRMJ60

I am going to give a paperback copy away in goodreads once I finish the proof.

Life from December 2013 to now May 2014

I don’t know about you, but my life unraveled right at Christmas in 2013 and hasn’t settled yet and here it is May 2014. I miss being on my computer, posting reviews on great books, posting free books and reading about what everyone else is up to.  I haven’t touched my own draft of my first book. Nothing is the same nor will it ever be.

So let me give a bit of an update. I live with my mother who has multiple sclerosis, my grandmother, my two boys and our combined four cats.  But something went very wrong with my mother and grandmother.  My  mother’s MS overtook her and she lost the ability to walk. After bizillions of dollars later in MRIs, we can see lesions on her brain and spine. MS damage cannot be reversed.  My grandmother, after 2 angiograms later, lost her leg to an above knee amputation from PAD, puliminary aterial disease.  She is currently awaiting the removal of her staples two weeks from now.

My 15 year old son turns 16 this month but he’s not your average boy who wants a phone or car.  He is emotionally delayed.  My 10 year old wants to graduate school right this moment, get a great job and drive a car.

My hands no longer work as much as they did and I have no control over my fingers. Typing is excruciatingly painful and slow since not all my fingers move. Carpal tunnel nerve damage.  I’ve lost vision in my right eye and my eyes want to cross as well as my neck, when I turn to face a bit to my right, begins to shake hard all on its own.

My kids father has had to sell his house and is looking for work. Life is so very different.

I’ve pushed depression out of my mind because it’s not an option for me. I have too many responsibilities right now, people depending on me. No more gardening though.  Leave the depression behind and embrace each day as if it is brand new with infinite possibilities. Take the time to look at the sky, smell those flowers even with allergies!

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Life can be so demanding and hard sometimes but never ever give up!

After November I was going to concentrate on editing my first book to get it printed via createspace. But my grandmother, as of Sunday, has been in such severe pain from her foot where the veins are not delivering the right amount of blood, that the pain medication given to her has made her not herself. She hallucinates in every single way, or we find she’s walked to the front door or laundry room and things people are coming after her, or are here already to kill us all.  Monday morning right before I was going to leave to take my younger son to school I peaked in on her and found her bed empty which scared me to death. She cannot walk, Her wheelchair was there, but no grandma, Iooked in her bathroom and closet both were empty.  Then I saw that the small laundry room that holds one washer and one dryer and one cat litter box well the door was closed.  My older son had left for school on the bus and my mom who has MS, was in bed.  I went to the door and sure enough my grandmother was in there but she refused to come out.  I got my mom up and then took my son to school. I cried all the way there and all the way back.  All we do is help her in every single way but the medicine changes her mental state and emotionally it is draining because there are things she says to us that hurt badly. I swear we are doing the best we can but my mom’s multiple sclerosis is bad and though it has been only since Sunday that everything we know has been turned upside down, I feel drained. I yelled at God on Monday and prayed and prayed since then.  Grandma loves her horror movies but hasn’t watched tv since Saturday.  Early this morning there were ‘things’ in the walls and they were telling her not to tell us that they were after us. Take this moment and tweak it and you get another hour of oddness.  And then you get 24 hours of it, then 48, then 72 etc.  I am reading when I catch the time and will be positing reviews as soon as I can. And more free books from Amazon of course. But right now, I can barely function and I have a fifteen yr old son and a ten yr old one.  With four cats, it can get bonkers here but now, it’s just plain crappy.  But I won’t let my depression become stronger than me and defeat me. My grandmother has always been a super strong and stubborn woman. I’m stubborn too.  I push the depression back and look for little things like the wet grass after it rained or listening to music on the way home from dropping my son off at school to keep me going. Nothing is impossible. Believe it, live it.