music more than just something, love more than just living

Just finished watching Les Miserables, 2012. It was beautiful on stage and emotionally moving on film.  It comes second to Phantom of the Opera, the film.  I enjoyed the many stage productions but Gerard Butler’s performance holds so much emotion, in his eyes, his stance, he is the perfect ‘Erik/Phantom’.  Especially since he does not wear that darn pinky ring I’ve seen others wear. Too pompous for me. Mr. Butler’s ‘Erik’ is haunting and this movie’s soundtrack especially ‘Point of No Return’, is my haven from the pain of this world. If the clouds cover the sky and hide the sun, I have this music to be lost in.  Should my life prove to be harder than I could believe it could be, I have this music.  In music you can close your eyes, and lose yourself in it.  It lifts my depression, strengthens my soul and brings a smile upon my lips. Listening to this particular song, as Mr. Butler sings at first, tender then at that one point the tenderness is gone and the need, want, obsession with ‘Christine’ is emotionally warped but in a good way.  I’m always humming parts of this soundtrack, and my younger son will say, “Phantom of the Opera again momma?” and my response, “Of course my love! His voice haunts me. It is beautiful.” and he replies to me, “You sing that a lot” and me “yes I do.”  We exchange smiles and life continues.

If my life is meant to be a mother, daughter and granddaughter, ex-wife and whatever other label anyone wants to put upon me, is there nothing else? I know love, have felt its strength, if I cannot have someone love me (family not included), be alone with my soul for the rest of my days, soon I will be turning 40, and with one son who is 15 and the other turning 10 soon, what will I do to fill those years when they no longer need me?  Online dating is not an option as everyone lies. People ask me now and then, am I dating. Are you kidding me? My first thoughts, ‘who would want me?’ and then blocking those thoughts out, ‘no time right now.’ I have fought to live, and this is the life I am living. the path I chose to follow. Death will come one day for me but not at my own hands and not over something as complicated as the love of a man. I don’t need another person in my life telling me what to do, how to do it and all that.  I know, not all marriages are like that, some are fabulous and wonderful but those are shapeless dreams floating away on errant clouds. Clearing my soul. There is no escape from life but to go on. And any thoughts otherwise is time best spent doing other things. key word there was DOING. Which means live. Don’t take the so called easy route out of life, don’t choose suicide. I’ve been on both sides of that coin and I am here today to keep you on the same side of the coin I chose. Life, for me, for you. ImageColleen


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I hate terrible news. But this is just a waste.


My mom and I watch the bachelor and bachelorette, and I cried when I saw that Gia, a beautiful person inside and out, I mean she was perfect, so sweet, her smile made you smile, it’s a waste.  And the holes she leaves behind are there forever.  Suicide is NOT the answer. Please, if anyone is out there reading this and has these strong thoughts, I’m always here. You are NOT alone and nothing is ever ‘that bad’ to leave this world without natures way.  Please stay safe!

Busy and somewhat creative and productive day and Depression NOTE

Well I got some editing done last night and a bit today but I got sidetracked with my other love, creating book covers. I love the creativity process!  But I am only on page 40ish and Chapter Six! LOL! But I go nuts looking for inspirational photos for that perfect cover. I have so many covers and ideas I don’t know what to use. I have to get back on Amazon and view todays top 100 free and paid books.  I’m sorry that J.K. Rowling was found out to be her alter ego, like Stephen King has Richard Bachman, she has Robert Galbraith for her detective novel “A Cuckoo’s Calling”. People expect her to stay within the confinements of her Harry Potter theme but sometimes an author wants to write a whole different genre then they usually do, we can’t help but write the stories that fill our minds and express their need for sharing. Wanting to not be filed under her Harry Potter success is understandable at least from my point of view. I have some stories running in my mind that are nothing like anything I have written before and would like to keep separate.  Now her new book has been the number 1 book for awhile now.  Sorry but it’s not something I want to read. My father committed suicide more than 15 years ago and I spent the next few years trying to battle my deepest darkest depression when death felt easier than living. I was wrong. Living is so much better! There is always at least one tiny fragment to live for. ALWAYS. We can’t get people back when they die, we don’t get any closure, the hole they leave inside us is never filled and remains empty for the rest of my life at least. I have healed but that spot is permanent. I have many joys that would not have happened if one of my attempts had been successful. Lives I’ve touched in tiny ways or lives that have touched mine. It doesn’t matter how big that touch is either way you look at it, what matters is that YOU are ALIVE. And NEEDED. Turn away from that seductive darkness that whispers to you or screams at you depending….and turn a light on. Live. I need you to. And more than just me, but the world.