music more than just something, love more than just living

Just finished watching Les Miserables, 2012. It was beautiful on stage and emotionally moving on film.  It comes second to Phantom of the Opera, the film.  I enjoyed the many stage productions but Gerard Butler’s performance holds so much emotion, in his eyes, his stance, he is the perfect ‘Erik/Phantom’.  Especially since he does not wear that darn pinky ring I’ve seen others wear. Too pompous for me. Mr. Butler’s ‘Erik’ is haunting and this movie’s soundtrack especially ‘Point of No Return’, is my haven from the pain of this world. If the clouds cover the sky and hide the sun, I have this music to be lost in.  Should my life prove to be harder than I could believe it could be, I have this music.  In music you can close your eyes, and lose yourself in it.  It lifts my depression, strengthens my soul and brings a smile upon my lips. Listening to this particular song, as Mr. Butler sings at first, tender then at that one point the tenderness is gone and the need, want, obsession with ‘Christine’ is emotionally warped but in a good way.  I’m always humming parts of this soundtrack, and my younger son will say, “Phantom of the Opera again momma?” and my response, “Of course my love! His voice haunts me. It is beautiful.” and he replies to me, “You sing that a lot” and me “yes I do.”  We exchange smiles and life continues.

If my life is meant to be a mother, daughter and granddaughter, ex-wife and whatever other label anyone wants to put upon me, is there nothing else? I know love, have felt its strength, if I cannot have someone love me (family not included), be alone with my soul for the rest of my days, soon I will be turning 40, and with one son who is 15 and the other turning 10 soon, what will I do to fill those years when they no longer need me?  Online dating is not an option as everyone lies. People ask me now and then, am I dating. Are you kidding me? My first thoughts, ‘who would want me?’ and then blocking those thoughts out, ‘no time right now.’ I have fought to live, and this is the life I am living. the path I chose to follow. Death will come one day for me but not at my own hands and not over something as complicated as the love of a man. I don’t need another person in my life telling me what to do, how to do it and all that.  I know, not all marriages are like that, some are fabulous and wonderful but those are shapeless dreams floating away on errant clouds. Clearing my soul. There is no escape from life but to go on. And any thoughts otherwise is time best spent doing other things. key word there was DOING. Which means live. Don’t take the so called easy route out of life, don’t choose suicide. I’ve been on both sides of that coin and I am here today to keep you on the same side of the coin I chose. Life, for me, for you. ImageColleen


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